Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
