1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
