You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
