Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Shame - the story of my life.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
