The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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