He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
