I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It's shark week go big or go home
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
