That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize