why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
A+ Viking dick
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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