that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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