i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize