I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Sorry about my life...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
His nipple licking is glorious
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