I am midnight drunk by noon
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize