I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you didnt know i had herpes?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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