Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
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