im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
