Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
