My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
