The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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