Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
