Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
