Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
