I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
