Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
