My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
