Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize