Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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