i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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