Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The ass gains better be worth it
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