He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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