when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
