Sober January is a disaster.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
