I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm bleeding and have questions
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
