Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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