you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
