I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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