becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
