just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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