She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
