All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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