I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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