fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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