I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
