got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
