I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Floor bacon is actually really good
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
