Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
this will be a night to untag.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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