Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize