I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
