remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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