he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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