I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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