Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
