I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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