You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
