I met the friendliest cop last night
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
