and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
