Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
