lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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