Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize