the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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