Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
