1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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