I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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