I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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