i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
