I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
