allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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