Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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