She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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