I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
