Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
