Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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