i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
