I met the friendliest cop last night
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize